COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.