I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
You Might Also Like
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.