Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada