Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
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[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
english majors be like furthermore
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.