i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”