[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints