The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
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My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence