Just the best dancing sandwiches.
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.