They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
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The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*