Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
no refunds
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
You can’t rush stupid.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…