caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
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[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.