It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
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Overindulged this afternoon.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Swedish for common sense.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.