what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
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imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches