I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.