Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.