I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
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restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
…u ok Nintendo?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…