[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
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And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“