People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
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Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.