Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
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[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy