So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
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Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough