Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Bruh PLEASE
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private