[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
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MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
🙋♀️
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing