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I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
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“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.