[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster