My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
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When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I missed you with all my darts
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool