While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven