When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
You Might Also Like
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship