Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
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how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.