Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
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How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”