Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
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Alexa; make it look like an accident
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
seems fine
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.