Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
You Might Also Like
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.