Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.