If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
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I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Labreador
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Never forget.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..