[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
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The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.