Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
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FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
.. do you even science?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby