Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
You Might Also Like
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Harsh but fair
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.