[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*