Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.