the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*jazz hands*
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.