Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs