(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Woke up against my better judgement again
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
wtf is a larm clock?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”