If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
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If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year