Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you