Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
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Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes