Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
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There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
🤣could you imagine
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.