literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Social distancing in Australia: