*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
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Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Skills
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Today’s Times
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.