[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Sniffing the broccoli
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.