My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
You Might Also Like
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m having an out of money experience.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.