If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.